How to Handle Sibling Rivalry with Twins

Sibling rivalry is a common part of family dynamics, but for parents of twins, this challenge can sometimes feel even more intense. When two children are growing up side-by-side, they often find themselves competing for attention, toys, and affection.

However, with the right strategies, you can manage sibling rivalry in a way that promotes a healthy relationship between your twins while teaching them important life skills such as cooperation, empathy, and conflict resolution. I have found that instilling the following tactics from the very beginning with my own twins has helped their relationship be one that nurtures more bonding than rivalry.

Twins sharing a new blanket we received.

1. Understand the Roots of Sibling Rivalry with your Twins

Sibling rivalry is natural, but it can feel magnified with twins (isn’t everything magnified with twins?). They are often in direct competition for their parents’ time and attention, and they may be in similar developmental stages, leading to similar needs and desires. Understanding the reasons behind sibling rivalry can help you manage and reduce conflicts.

Common reasons for rivalry in twins include:

• Competition for attention: Twins may feel they are vying for their parents' attention, especially in the early years when their needs are frequent.

  
  

• Comparison: Parents, family members, and even friends might unintentionally compare the twins to one another, which can foster feelings of insecurity or jealousy. It’s natural to compare however, try to remember that your twins are different people even though they are twins.

  
  

• Overlapping needs and desires: Twins are the same exact age and often want the same things at the same time, whether it’s a toy, a snack, or a parent’s lap. This overlap can lead to frustration and conflict.

  
  

• Different temperaments: Even though twins are born at the same time, they may have very different personalities. One twin may be more extroverted, while the other is more introverted, which can create tension in their relationship.

  
  

2. Foster Individuality and Avoid Comparisons

One of the biggest sources of rivalry between twins is the comparison game. Constantly comparing one twin to the other can create feelings of inadequacy or resentment. While it’s natural for others to remark on how alike your twins are, it’s important for you as a parent to highlight their individual qualities.

Encourage your twins to pursue their own interests and activities. For example, if one twin loves painting and the other enjoys playing music, support each child’s individual passions without pushing them to follow the same path. This can help them develop a sense of self-worth and autonomy.

Also, make a conscious effort to avoid comparing them to each other. Phrases like “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Your brother finished first, why can’t you?” can create unnecessary competition. Instead, celebrate each child’s unique achievements and qualities.

At 4 years old, my twins rarely dress the same anymore. They both have their own style, opinions on clothing and have different colors that they enjoy wearing. Instead of trying to make them be the same because they are twins, I am currently embracing their differences and allowing them choices on simple things like clothing.

3. Set Clear and Consistent Boundaries

Establishing clear rules and routines helps to reduce conflict and promote fairness in the household. Twins often feel a sense of competition when they perceive that one child is being treated differently than the other. To minimize rivalry, be consistent with how you handle behaviors, expectations, and discipline.

Having consistent routines and expectations helps both twins understand what is acceptable, what is expected of them, and the importance of respecting each other’s space and belongings.

4. Encourage Cooperation and Teamwork

While competition is inevitable, teaching your twins to cooperate and work together as a team can foster a more positive relationship. Offer activities and games that require teamwork. This could be building a fort together, solving puzzles, or cooking a simple recipe with you. Teamwork-based activities allow your twins to collaborate and see the value of supporting one another instead of competing.

When you witness moments of cooperation—such as when one twin shares a toy or helps the other with a task—praise and encourage this behavior. Positive reinforcement teaches them that working together is more rewarding than fighting or competing.

Additionally, if a disagreement occurs, guide them through the process of resolving it. Encourage them to communicate their feelings, express why they’re upset, and help them come to a resolution. Role-playing scenarios where they practice sharing and collaborating can also be a fun way to reinforce these important skills.

5. Avoid Favoritism and Be Fair

One of the easiest ways to fuel sibling rivalry is by displaying favoritism, whether intentionally or not. This can happen if one twin gets more attention or praise than the other. While it’s natural to bond with one child over certain activities, it's essential to make an effort to show both children they are equally loved and appreciated.

Ensure that both children feel valued and that their needs are met. If one twin needs more help with a task or has a specific need, be mindful of how you distribute your time and attention. It's important to make sure both children feel they are receiving their fair share of your love, attention, and time.

6. Teach Conflict Resolution Skills

Teaching your twins how to resolve conflicts on their own is an essential life skill that will help them not only with each other but also with their peers. When a disagreement arises, intervene only when necessary and use it as a learning opportunity.

Encourage your twins to use words rather than actions when they feel upset. Teach them phrases like “I’m upset because…” or “Can you please give that back?” Help them express their emotions in a healthy way. It can be helpful to model how to handle disagreements by using calm language and encouraging compromise.

Sometimes, your twins may need a gentle reminder of what to do when a fight breaks out. Guide them through calming strategies, such as taking deep breaths or stepping away from the situation for a few minutes.

7. Offer One-on-One Time with Each Twin

Twins often share the same experiences and environment, which can lead to feelings of neglect or insecurity. To foster a stronger bond with each child and reduce rivalry, make time for one-on-one moments with each twin. This helps both children feel special and nurtures their individual needs.

Take each twin on a solo outing or spend quiet time together. Even just 15-20 minutes of undivided attention can make a big difference in their emotional well-being and help them feel validated and secure.

8. Be Patient and Empathetic

Dealing with sibling rivalry requires patience for sure. It's important to remember that sibling rivalry is normal, especially when twins are still learning to share, communicate, and navigate their emotions. There will be good days and challenging days, and progress may be slow.

Practice empathy toward your twins, acknowledging their feelings and frustrations. When one twin is upset, listen to their concerns, validate their emotions, and provide comfort. As your twins grow, their ability to handle conflict and share their feelings will improve, but it’s a process that requires time and understanding.

9. When to Seek Outside Help

If sibling rivalry between your twins becomes particularly intense or leads to frequent aggression, it may be helpful to seek guidance from a parent coach. At Tweet Dreamzz we can offer strategies to improve their relationship and help manage any underlying issues that may be contributing to the rivalry.

The Bottom Line

Sibling rivalry in twins can be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to teach important life skills such as empathy, communication, and conflict resolution. Some amount of “healthy competition is ok! By fostering individuality, setting clear boundaries, promoting cooperation, and offering love and attention to both children, you can help your twins develop a strong and supportive bond. Remember that rivalry is a normal part of growing up, and with patience, consistency, and empathy, you can guide your twins toward a harmonious and positive relationship that nurtures a bond instead of a rivalry.

Stellina is a certified sleep consultant and parent coach. With a compassionate and non-judgmental approach, Stellina helps parents develop their own solutions to challenges while cultivating a positive, peaceful home environment.

Her specialty is toddlers, preschoolers and multiples as she has dealt firsthand with the specific challenges that come with managing multiple children at once and the emotional behaviors that come with that dynamic! Click here to schedule a free discovery call!